You can forget about the threat of foreign terrorists. We have cells of homegrown eco-terrorists right here in our own backyards. They have been active in the swamps and wetlands for some time, operating under the cover of darkness. And we have pictures!
I was first made aware of their activity during a walk in the woods. Our hiking and bridle path, the Old Wolf Hollow Road, was flooded. Trees were down, like a giant game of Jackstraws. Was this a sign of times to come?
Gnawed stumps were the tip-off. It was the beavers. While I'm not sure of their politics or even their nationality of origin, the result is devastating. The water is rising-literally- in local ponds, not to mention basements. Consulting the local authorities, I was encouraged by Town Hall and the Highway Department to do my civic duty and clean my culvert, running beneath our driveway. Conscientiously I sought with rake and shovel to clear debris from a screen over the pipe's mouth. Little did I know that the concrete pilings which supported the iron guard rail, on which I was leaning, had been eroded.
As I rested heavily over the rail to do my duty, I was let down suddenly and without warning. Was this the result of terrorist sabotage? Plunging into the icy waters of the pond brought sudden awakening. Only a concerted and prolonged conflict with additional troops, and heavy equipment, could eliminate the terrorist beaver threat.
Later, with a warm and dry change of clothes and the aid of my trusty tractor, I removed the beaver-clogged mesh from the culvert's mouth. Could this be classified as an IRD (Improvised Roadside Device)? Then I clawed bravely at the drain-clogging debris with my bare hands. Only later did I discover painfully that the eco-terrorist beavers had fiendishly laced their device with - shudder-POISON IVY!
After a restless night of itching and scratching, I was further chagrined to see on my front lawn, a delegation of protesting beavers, bearing placards reading "Unfair to Beavers. Save the Dam. Wetlands Creatures Unite!" A delegation threatened to flood the Town Offices with petitions. If that failed to stop further incursion into beaver territory, they talked of swimming down into Long Island Sound and taking their grievances up the East River to the United Nations!
Clearly the insurgents were mounting resistance. The dam beavers reinforced their positions and continued to place IRD's in local culverts. Who knows how or when the conflict will end? We must protect our women and children, not to mention our driveways and basements. Without direct counter-terrorist activities, no home will be secure.
Why, it might even threaten our American Way of Life!
Michael R. Young